Acting mature and being mature are two different things. To me ‘acting’ mature, is usually, well, just an act.
I meet a lot of people with ADHD, from all around the world, from every level of society, and most have something in common, which I think isn’t really touched on that much, or, enough: We tend to believe that we do not act mature enough. I’ve been there and I’ve done that too.
In my opinion ADDers are far more mature than most people I meet at any level:
We are concerned, sympathetic, empathetic and resourceful, have a fair amount of common sense and find ways to make it when the odds are against us! We can negotiate, bargain and find a way when no way is clear. Every ADDer I have met wants to improve them self, tend to admit, and take responsibility for, mistakes and seek assistance. I have yet to meet one of us who has said he or she is perfect and I haven’t met one who isn’t willing to help another to some degree. It also seems to me that people with ADHD are far more aware (sometimes too aware) of their faults, than folks without ADHD.
I am also inclined to believe that the above description I have given is a source of pride for people with ADHD everywhere, even though we usually do not to take pride in much of what we do, or, who we are, and that is changing too.
You are far more mature than you give yourself credit for. No acting is necessary when it is already a natural part of who you are.
~Bryan
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I completely agree us ADDer’s are quite resourceful , we are far more mature than the non ADDer’s in this world , we are creative & just when you think we are down for the count , we manage to pull something out of our sleeve.
Immature,well at 58 and an adder when I act immature people love it,one part of me is mature and the other part is childish,but everyone think’s it’s funny and if I can make one person laugh on a sad day kudos to me
Absolutely, Frederick! Kudos to you, indeed!
Bryan
Melissa, I read your post on our ADDer World ADHD Social Network and I totally agree, you sure went the extra mile and pulled some good stuff out from your sleeve! Way to go for hanging in there!
Bryan
While I agree with Brian and Melissa some of the time in their comments, I may be a partial minority (albeit compassionate) voice here. I think sometimes we DO act in ways that can be named as ‘immature’ by others. Usually they are impulsive/reactive and sometimes the ’shadow side’ of our best qualities.
But, calling anybody ‘immature’ is a characterological statement and usually only leads to argument and/or shame because it is not behaviorally specific (ie: “I’m upset because you promised to do ___ 3 times and did not” is specific) and it is too general. Usually, only leads to unproductive arguments and other useless, and possibly even more painful, outcomes.
However, the other side (what some call ”the shadow”) of our best qualities can lead to behaviors that could be labelled immature:
~Spontaneity> impulsiveness
~Ability to respond quickly> reactivity with unwise actions/speech
~Adaptability to change > allow or create chaos
Yep, a good apology is incredibly important and helps a lot! But sometimes we have to use our ability to learn our triggers and blind spots, s t o p before we act, or help the people who love us to truly KNOW how to get our attention when something is important. I wouldn’t trade my AD/HD for being a normie, but I wish some things weren’t so hard for me to do!
Hi Alisa,
I think you explained yourself quite well and there’s nothing you mentioned I would directly disagree with.
Of course, it’s interesting how we (mostly as a group) move towards the term immature, when, in fact, the article wasn’t directly relating to immaturity and was actually talking about how we ADDers do not believe we ‘act’ mature, or, rather, the real issue is that we do not usually feel/believe we are mature in any way. I happen to believe we have maturity, in our ways, as I explained in the post.
That we do not have any maturity within us is what I don’t agree with and was relating. However, I guess the counter to being mature would hence be immaturity. What others describe as immaturity, as you well explained, is, in fact, not a case of being immature, but, rather, the reality of our symptoms together and sometimes separate, which is to say that our symptoms on display does not mean we are immature, even if it may seem so to others…
Bryan
The one thing I cannot relate to is perfectionism. I have recently admitted that I am a perfectionist in that I am so hard on myself and beat myself up for basically anything.
I think it comes from very judgemental parents, as well as hearing that I don’t finish things and never learn from my mistakes (consequences). At some point early on, I just stopped trying to do anything at all, cause I BELIEVED that I couldn’t do anything right. I cannot fathom that I bought into this for so long.
Now at 44, I am learning that I am human just like everyone else, with strenghs and weaknesses.
Thank god for my new process of grieving and letting go after all these years.
Lisa
Oh Lisa, perfectionism is so difficult and hard to break, even when we already know we are not and cannot be perfect. There was a long while there when I was stuck in the perfectionism state of doing things and I could never do anything right, at least not to my satisfaction and it became so depressing that I had internal tantrums, some external, but, nothing close to as severe as the internal mental beatings for not measuring up. I think you’re also on track with the fact that we react to the chastisements and mockery by trying to measure up – in the process of trying to measure up we place such high demands on ourselves and become ‘perfectionists’.
I am glad to hear you are finding your answers and your way. Good for you!
Bryan
As for perfectionism, that seems especially common among women with ADHD, from what I read.
Maybe it comes from conditioning and wanting to meet expectations, but it’s also thought to be part of the essential “regulation” issues inherent to ADHD: not overdoing it or underdoing it but finding that place in the middle. And having the judgment to know when good is good enough.
Oh geez, I didn’t mean to sound abrupt or dismissive, Bryan. You know I love your writing and what you have to say, especially when you write first-person stories.
I’m probably too busy with work to even try to make a coherent response, so shouldn’t have tried.
Basically, I’m just not an advocate of lumping all people with ADHD into one basket — any basket.
I think this article is perfect. I am a virgo on top of the ADD so I feel that I get hit by this twice. I as a person of ADD feel more mature then my peers…on the other hand, those of my peers that do not have ADD think I am immature. So, I guess a no win situation…What can you do?
Bryan,
Thanks for writing this. I need to be reminded from time to time that I AM mature and not to beat myself too harshly with the thoughts of immaturity such as being lazy, irresponsible, lacking of care, not achieving and getting jealous over someone else’s achievements. In fact, my closest friend have been having trouble convincing me that I’m not lazy. I just overlook the other qualities that you mentioned.
But, it’s just sometimes difficult to not think of myself as being immature because somehow, people around me ’support’ this idea. I do know that they discreetly acknowledge the positive qualities I have, but they hardly mention about it. What usually come up was the ‘good advices’ (which I don’t even ask) of how it would be much better if I just pull myself together and ‘act’ mature. HAH!
You are right. I don’t need to act mature. I already am.
I would have to agree with you, Bryan. Adders seem to have an extra layer of empathy and maturity, most noticeably when displayed in children.
It’s an interesting manifestation of the extra sensory awareness, or perhaps it’s knowing adversity at a younger age. Another explanation might run closer to checks and balances – as one trait is diminished, another one grows sharper. Whatever the case, we ADDers seem to have that extra maturity, even while we may take longer for other areas to mature (organization, “catching on” etc)
Thanks for the comments!
The most important aspect, which you are hitting on, is that to see ourselves through other people’s eyes or, rather, our perception of how they perceive us is usually not our accurate selves. Our impulsive, often distracted nature can come across as immature, goofy and unfortunately, even worse, but, that doesn’t mean we are not mature. To ‘act’ mature for the benefit of ‘others perceptions of us’ we would need a cure and that still would not guarantee we’d be perceived as better or more mature, especially if we can’t see ourselves that way first.
I get this all the time. Yes, I may laugh at Sesame Street along with my kids, but I also hold down a job, support the family, take care of dishes and laundry and do a fair amount of evening and weekend child care. I don’t do all my “adult” duties perfectly but who does? What part is “mature” and what part is not?
It is alomost the most important fact to see ourselves through other peoles eyes… Bryan Twitter is right!