Why does it seem that too many people with ADHD come to a point in their relationship that they seek an affair, or simply find themselves in the midst of overly fantasizing about having an affair? This doesn’t apply to everyone and yet, there seems to be a growing number of mid-aged ADDers fooling around while married or in a long term relationship. What gives?
It seemed like a good relationship. Yes, it had some ups and downs, what relationship doesn’t?
I have a theory about some affairs and people with ADHD. Actually, I have several theories, but in this post I am going to try to keep it to just one of them. Remember though, it’s just my theory and, like I said, it doesn’t cover every affair.
This particular theory deals with late bloomers. Many of us with ADHD are late bloomers, including some that are early diagnosed with ADHD. ‘Late bloomers’ meaning that it has taken us so long to figure ourselves out and what’s going on around us that we are not ’aware’ of what we truly want, much less need, until our 30’s or our 40’s. A great deal of adult ADDers are diagnosed in their late 30’s and early 40’s, which I figure is also about the ripest time for late bloomers to ‘wake up’, as it were.
In the ‘late bloomers’ theory all anger and resentment is wasted; all blame and punishment is equally wasted. In affairs nobody is going to win anyway. However, what isn’t wasted is discovering the true reason behind any such behavior. When the true reason for the affair(s) is discovered healing and reconciliations can be begun, but let me add that in this theory I present herein, it is more than likely that a separation will take place. Counseling is a choice as a remedy, but I am not convinced counseling will work.
In this theory, a significant percentage of late diagnosed ADDers grow up insecure and unaware of so many things going on around them. With this insecurity and confusion many tend to at first seek some risky relationships, but usually are just looking for security and stability. While in the midst of finding said security, it is habitually found in the form of a relationship in which a ‘role’ is taken on. The relationship is typically found after standards and expectations have been severely lowered after many failed, short term relationships, perhaps even mid-ranged longer relationship(s).
In this ‘late bloomer’ theory, although there may have been many failed short term relationships, there is very little explored in one’s true sexuality and the person has many withheld emotions. Eventually, disappointment and general anger set in due to dissatisfaction and an overall feeling of something missing. Who knows, any of those short term relationships may have been ‘the one’, but due to typical ADHD symptoms such as misunderstandings in verbal communication, misunderstood or missed body language, low self-esteem and a host of other such issues, there really was no chance and self-blame sets in. When the blame sets in, either towards self or an ex-partner, standards naturally get lowered and personal wants and needs fade into the background only to resurface, sometimes much, much later, when the person finally ‘wakes up’.
When the ‘late bloomer’ wakes up, there may come a realization that they are not in love, perhaps enveloped with an overall feeling of dissatisfaction for their secure relationship and, usually without even considering it, the ‘late bloomer’ starts to notice others, seeking that which they had once, unbeknowest, forsaken.
Late bloomers, in this theory, are ripe for affairs because they did not get involved in their long-term relationship for the right reasons, there may not have been the presence of love and, as harsh as this may sound, the person with ADHD may have just settled for what he or she thought they were worth at the time. This is why I mention that counseling may not work in this theory, because, if the person is not, and never was, in love with his or her partner, what is there to rescue? Save it for kids or what there seemed to be? I don’t know.
When the ‘late bloomer’ wakes up, there isn’t any going back to the way things were, the world has opened up to them and those long withheld emotions, needs and wants will no longer allow themselves to simply be repressed. I do not believe that any amount of counseling, pleading or convincing will cause the ADDer to revert back to a pre-’awakening’ state. Instead of seeking for him or her to revert, it is probably more advantageous to point out the good things that they do have, that is, of course, considering they are already in a good, loving, caring relationship of value. If the person with ADHD eventually ‘fell’ in love with his or her partner, then it is less likely an affair will happen even when a ‘wake up’ is achieved.
Please, keep in mind that this post is a theory and just touching on one at that. Affairs do not only pertain to people with ADHD, affairs happen with all types of people, all over the world, everyday, for many different reasons.
Bryan
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so how do we know then when we are in the right relationship once we are awake?
When I was evaluated and first diagnosed with ADHD, I was in my 30’s. It looks like I fit into the “late bloomers” category!
However, my marriage stayed intact for another 13 years even though we had serious issues within our marriage relationship. We had tried counseling many times, but I do not think that it was very successful.
What truly brought me to the point of separating from my husband after being married for 17 years was because the relationship hit a dead end. Literally, the marriage was dead!
Due to the fact that I am aware of my impulsive nature, I purposely waited many years to separate. I wanted to give my marriage the chance to hopefully turn around for the better.
Sadly, my marriage went from bad to worse and that is why I eventually did separate. It was not an easy decision and I was scared to death to raise my kids alone.
I never cheated on my husband when we were living as a married couple. Once we were separated, I was determined to start a new life and I wanted to permanently end my marriage.
Dating during a separation is a challenging experience, especially when there are kids involved. Morally, I felt horrible for dating other men, while I was separated from my husband.
True, we were no longer living in the same house and I was looking into divorce, but I just felt like the “bad” one in the marriage. Yet, I was starving for a little attention, affection and enjoyable conversation.
Unexpectedly, my husband and I reconciled after being separated. We got back into counseling and sincerely worked at trying to mend our marriage back together.
I do not regret separating from my husband because it gave me time to grow emotionally and to learn more about myself, who I am and what my purpose is in life.
No marriage is made in heaven, there will always be ups and downs in every relationship and it definitely takes TWO to work it out.
Thank you for sharing your story with us Dana. Seems to me you found yourself and discovered the love that had grown between the two of you. Coming into our own can be enlightening and confusing at the very same time. Your story is a treasure of hope.
Kerry,
That’s a very complex question and it seems to me the answer is within the questions itself. However, as Dana so well pointed out, in the midst of confusion it is a good idea to not go to any extremes.
Bryan
Seems like a good theory to me, Bryan.
I seem to recall psychologist and ADHD expert Kathleen Nadeau writing about that in one of her books — that is, when the pwADHD learns that ADHD explains some of his/her challenges, this new information casts many past decisions (vocation, relationships, etc. ) in a new light.
For example, if the pwADHD sought a partner who simply would keep his/her life organized, well, suddenly that doesn’t seem like a good enough reason. And truly, it’s not fair to either person.
In that way, I guess it’s little different than people who marry young primarily in order to escape a dysfunctional family, leave a small town, etc. That seldom sustains a long-term relationship, it seems.
While I have yet to be in a significant relationship, I do get a little worried when I notice the tendancy for ADDers to have affairs. While Brian’s theory seems to make sense, I think there are other possible explanations, too.
For instance, our tendancy to be impulsive and to lose interest in things quickly may play a large part as well. I, for one, tend to find myself attracted to multiple men at once, have a history of “freaking out” once mutual interest is shown, over-thinking possible relationships and being shy to commit to a new computer model, let alone a husband.
Since I recognize this in me and am concerned, I trust that God (I’m a Christian) will not let it get out of control when it **really** counts (ie in marriage), but I do worry about temptation to stray should I ever find “the one”.
I remember seeing someone writing about this somewhere (most likely in one of the Hallowell books or on Additude Magazine’s website) and it really struck a cord with me, more than the late bloomer theory (of course, I also didn’t even date anyone before my diagnosis a year ago at age 25
)
Lindsay
I don’t think this is just an ADD/ADHD thing. We are all different people in our early 20’s than we are in our 30’s, 40’s etc. As humans we continue to develop and what we wanted at 20 often is very different than what we want at 35.
I can see where ADHD does add more fuel to the fire though on BOTH sides!
It’s not just the person with ADHD either that plays into this this. There are a lot of women in their early 20’s who are very attracted to the typical ADHD male. As these women get older their needs change too. A single woman at 40 is a lot less likely to fall for the “bad boy” she did at 20.
Hi Lindsay,
You are so right and, like I tried to make as clear as possible in the post, there are many different reasons for affairs, this just one theory. At 25, the theory will be difficult for you to relate to and, hopefully you never will. However, you did mention something about multiple men at once, so you may eventually fall into this theory as I do mention that at first many risky relationships may be sought. Actually, the article you mention may be one that I wrote her on this blog, perhaps this one: ADD ADHD Relationships Start Exciting, but what happens next? – or one of a couple others that are here too about the theme you mention
Hi Tara,
Yep you are right…. no, its probably not only our problem. Affairs pertain to all types of people with or without ADHD.
And btw… I am not just talking about gals having affairs, guys aren’t all innocent either!
Hi Bryan,
Nope, didn’t read it here! (I remember seeing it long before I joined Adderworld).
And to clarify, not that I am obsessively concerned about cheating on a boyfriend/husband one day, I just notice that I do tend to lose interest after “the chase” and get easily attracted to men. I don’t view that as sexual predestination, but something to keep in mind for the future.
I might understand your theory better after a few years
I was diagnosed early. Still, it took me some time to work my way through life and figure out who I was. I didn’t get married until I was 28. I have no need to cheat and am quite happy with my family. Its an interesting theory and you may be correct.
Yes, Lindsay, what you describe is commonly a “dopamine thing.”
And hey Bryan….love the shoes!
Bryan, perhaps there are no guys willing to confess to having an affair or to being cheated on, but I can bet that there are plenty of guys reading all of our responses!
I definitely find myself relating to what Lindsay said about losing interest in the guys she dates after “the chase” has been successful. When I was much younger and single, I was the exact same way. I was attracted to multiple guys and dated a variety.
Usually, after a few dates, I knew whether the guy was well-suited for me or not. If we lost interest, we discontinued dating. If we still had a spark, we continued dating.
During my entire single life, I never even knew that I had ADHD since I was not diagnosed, until my 30’s. Therefore, as I look back on my younger years of dating, I find it very humorous that I did choose many of the “bad boy” types.
I was seeking adventure, fun, excitement and pure romance! I was a risk taker and I wanted someone who was also willing to step out of their comfort zone to add extra stimulation to my life.
Perhaps, this ADHD quality of being a risk taker and seeking adventure can explain how I did end up separating from my husband three years ago. What happens in all too many relationships is that the romance fades, the fun is long gone, the excitement has trickled down to complete BOREDOM and there is simply not enough stimulation in the life of an ADDer.
Perhaps, this explains why many ADDers job hop or change careers more than the non-ADDer? Could it simply be a possibility that we are bored with life, with our marriage and we need a little excitement and stimulation?
The most important question is how do ADDers maintain excitement, romance, enjoyable conversation and extra stimulation in the marriage when the non-ADDer is not driven to seek the same thing?
My personal opinion is that the ADDers who do find that they need extra adventure and excitement in their marriage, but they are not experiencing this should consider putting their time, energy and creativity into a hobby or job that they enjoy. Due to the fact that married couples can not change either partner, it is best to accept the other partner for who they are. It is true that opposites do attract and that can be very true for the ADDer who ends up with someone completely opposite than them.
Sometimes the non-ADDer just needs a little nudge to join in on the excitement and fun. The ADDer sp0use may need to be the initiator in the relationship by creatively discovering new ways that both of them can enjoy themselves, go on an adventure and spice up their marriage.
Bringing excitement back into the marriage is truly an essential key to maintaining the stimulation that the ADDer needs. This will not only make the marriage relationship more rewarding, but it will prevent both spouses from straying.
Hi Tim,
That’s fantastic. Let’s remember this is just 1 theory though, not everyone will cheat or have an affair and yeah, the theory is correct for a ‘percentage’ of people and anyone that has read my book can tell you where this theory probably originates…. I am also very lucky to be in a fabulous, trusting, but, more importantly, “understanding” relationship today.
Gina,
Joan picked the picture
She loved the shoes and felt it fit right in for both men and women, because you don’t know if the women in the picture is the one having the affair or she is the seductress/mistress
Tim, I left my comment from above before you wrote your comment. I am glad to see that you were the brave soul to join in on our discussion!
I know I’m a late bloomer in that I hit puberty a couple of years late. My puberty was delayed because I was not eating enough, due to the decreased appetite caused by my pills. This does not bother me, it just means I got a couple of extra years of childhood.
I was in a long and serious relationship for a year, and it ended last September. In the beginning, I had gotten her used to a level of attention and care that I could not sustain. Right now, I would prefer to have a series of meaningless sexual encounters so that I can learn about myself and how I relate to intimacy without having to risk offending anyone important to me. Unfortunately, this isn’t really my thing so I haven’t managed to have any meaningless sexual encounters.
I think one thing that this theory fails to take into account is the types of people who ADD/ADHD people date. I, for example, cannot date normal people because they are too boring and too difficult to understand. I need unstable people, so my choice in partners probably contributed to the instabilities in my relationships as much as I myself did.
Hi guys. I think the theory applies to anyone with self esteem issues; however, I also agree with Brian that ADD/ADHD persons are “late bloomers” because we don’t always “get it” or see the whole picture. It may take us longer to address our issues as opposed to a non-ADD/ADHD person. I am a big fan of impulsivity and boredom as a big factor for cheating. We seek excitement.
Well HI you all,
What a topic! I have been thinking about this issue lately. NOT the cheating so much, but wondering if I am with the “right” person for me, questioning why I am with him, etc.
I am very newly diagnosed, so this is a real discovery phase for me. I am learning that the ADD has affected every area of my life, especially my marriage. GINA is sooooo right when she says “this new information casts many past decisions (vocation, relationships, etc. ) in a new light. ” I am really seeing my marriage differently right now.
I am 40, with my DH for 10 years now. We have had issues for about 6 years, every since I had my son (becoming a full-time-Mom really ramped up my ADD issues). I haven’t really been totally happy with my marriage since the start, not deep down happy. Not even sure what that is!
My dating history: I dated from the age of 13, always dating musicians, punk guys, older guys, etc. I didn’t like “normal” guys and I was quite a rebel. This went on through my 20’s, always dating the “wrong” guys (guys who would cheat on me, guys who smoked weed, the really handsome ones who would find a cuter girl eventually, etc.).
Then I men my husband when I was 29. We met online! Talk about an adventure! He lived near London, I was itching to travel, so we got together. I spent a few months in England, hopped around Europe, we got engaged at the top of the Eiffel Tower (!), and I moved to England later that year (2000).
I know that I probably married the SAFE GUY, after all of my failed attempts at being with the cool, interesting, artsy, ones. My husband also holds down my string, like I am a kite! I feel I need him in my life to balance me. I do love him, but in hindsight I can see that I was really never IN LOVE. I think that the initial excitement of our relationship and the adoration I have for Europe clouded my judgment.
We argue a lot these days, even though we have a nice life, nice house, great kid, and we are decent people. We do like each other, have similar values, and we do a pretty good job at parenting, but our marriage kind of sucks. Our sex life is okay, but it’s never been great. There has never been a real passion there, something that I always had with other men.
So, sometimes I do think about being with other men. I do respect my hubby, and I don’t feel good enough about myself to even flirt with anyone. But I do think about it! I saw two men today that I would have chatted to if I was happier. Kind of ironic, huh? And pretty sad.
Last, DANA, I am re-reading your comments. I have considered a separation for awhile but it’s mainly because I really think he and I need some time apart. I need time to breathe and to heal, and to spend time with people who can build me back up. Neither of us is good support for each other at the moment. Will follow up in a blogpost. :{
Forgot to say, I am reading Gina Pera’s book! It is very interesting so far, and I am sure that it will help my husband to read it, too. I am learning how he really must see me (not all good, let me tell you), and I am thinking about what is really going on with us as a result.
Thanks to Gina and Bryan, I won the book recently in a contest on the Ning site. I really appreciate it and I will do a thorough review when I am done!
Whatever happened to “For better or worse, to love and keep until death do us part?” I am married, have been happily so for over 26 years, and just because the newness wore off and I got diagnosed with ADD, doesn’t mean that I start looking for new adventures. I am and remain true to my first love, my wife. We have had our differences, mostly because I blurt stuff out or do impulsive stuff, without consulting my wife, but most of all we remain in love with each other. I guess that I am lucky to have a wife who is straight, because God knows I need a stabilizing influence in my life.
Hi Clarissa,
Your description of your dating life reminded me of some things I left out (or rather didn’t think to include before).
One is that I also started getting crushes VERY young (as early as 5th grade for serious ones). I also have had this strange inner battle when it comes to nice guys. The Christian/ self-respecting half really goes for them; another part of me becomes terrified at the idea of “settling down” and becoming a “mommy”. Third, I have had a propensity to make romantic situations more dramatic than they actually were, and have definitely been attracted to some not-so-ideal characters. Although it seems that intellectual stimulation can sometimes play the same role as drama. Fourth, I have an awfully large amount of artists and musicians for friends (although most of them aren’t sketchy).
I wonder if those are just coincidences, or if some of that relates to the ADD…
Now you’ve got me wondering…
Geart,
First: That’s awesome – congrats!
I grew up with that mentality and, to a strong degree I still hold that mentality close to my heart; however, as you probably know, not everything works out the way we want them to and in the life of an ADDer too few things go according to plan. When constantly hurting someone, even if unintentional, there comes a time when a choice must be made. Separation doesn’t always mean divorce, and yet there are situations and relationships where it is the right choice no matter how much it goes against what one was raised to believe and cherish.
I went to my Dr yesterday and we discussed this posting. She said that she has seen many divorces due to ADD/ADHD and she can understand why. She said look at the average person, especially that has found out that they were ADD at a late age. We get bored easily, we get frustrated with ourselves, we rather do something ourself than ask some one else to do it, in turn leaving us mad at the other person for not doing, etc.
Also, one thing that I feel strongly with is that since I now have the ability to do things I never knew before, sometimes I feel that I am growing and others are just standing still. Also, when someone pay attention to us now it is different.
Do not get me wrong, I am old fashion in the idea of marriage, but, I do understand reasons
people do cheat or get out of relationships they do.
If the ADDer has made a partnership with an emotionally available mate, then it is highly unlikely there will ever be an affair (including the fantasy internet cheating variety). It is important for the ADDer to focus on being (or becoming) emotionally available themselves, to sustain high quality togetherness. I was married for almost 24 years and never had an affair (nor did he). I was an early bloomer but diagnosed with ADHD late in life. My adolescent years spent risk-taking were much less satisfying than my marriage. I agree with Dana’s comment that ADDers who do find that they need extra adventure and excitement in their marriage should consider putting their time, energy and creativity into a hobby or job that they enjoy. But I would add that this hobby or job should be something their partner can be drawn into and enjoy with them… or you join them in their hobby. I learned a lot about history and military strategy because I bothered to become curious about my husband’s interests.
You know, what I really have learned to appreciate about having this website, is that I discover so much in everyone’s comments! I have my thoughts, write about them and you help me expand them. I truly learn so much through our shared experiences.
Montana, I so agree! In my first marriage I did not find things of her interest to make my interest; however, with Joan I find myself interested in what she likes. She loves art and we go to museums and art galleries together. I learn so much. She also assists me with my writing and clarifying my thoughts for this blog. The only caveat is that it takes two in any relationship, if only one is trying and trying without the other one stepping towards the middles, the relationship is doomed to failure.
Now, I have discovered a love for art I didn’t have before by becoming interested in Joan’s interest! Fantastic points!
Bryan
Brian’s theory is bang own, don’t forget we are talking about what goes on in somebody’s mind after the biggest non-lethal shock of their lives. The awakening process makes the person realize for the first time many things not only love. If the person comes to the conclusion that they screwed up because of their mental state then I think there will be way less guilt in trying to change things for the better. Very insightful and logical point to me. Amazing…
Bryan,
I really appreciate your comment about how you have changed in your current marriage by being interested in the things your wife enjoys as well. I think this was the biggest issue in the demise of my marriage was that they whole marriage was focused on my ADD’ers life. He made no realy attempt to enjoy things that I also enjoyed and do the things that interested me. He told me that he did not like anything I was interested in and never would be. This was prior to his self-diagnosis of ADHD this past February.
I agree that it takes 2 trying in the relationship, both moving thowards the middle for it to work. With the total focus on his life I became resentful and angry because I felt that I was being dragged behind his life and had no life of my own. I was always faithful to my marriage for the full 7yrs. My pw/ADHD was not however and had an affair shortly after our 2nd child was born. As my therapist has expained to me, it probably was because of the burden of having to be responsible for 2 children and wife now. Although I know our sex life was really not that great, and we did have problems, I was in it for life and never had intentions of leaving.
I was angry about the infidelity for a long time but realize now knowing he had ADHD that he did have a low threshold for boredom and this probably contributed to him wanting to see if the grass was greener on the other side.
Bryan,
The reason I’m visiting this website is that I am trying to find answers to why I find myself so challenged with my maritial relationship. It was in my early 40’s that I discovered my ADHD condition. I’ve struggled throughout my life with this and once discovered it has helped tremendously. I’ve been fortunate to become successful in business despite thinking I was dumb. But success in my marriage has been a constant struggle. I love my wife and have sought counseling with and without her. Things are rough and I continue to find myself in several situations to have an affair and although I have come close to being with another woman I have not. I’m not excusing any agency on my part but I find myself in these circumstances torn asking myself why I’m even close to being unfaithful. I typically choose those opportunities that seem impossible but now they seem to become probable. I know this is rambling but I am just hoping for a little encouragement that I’m not nuts. I love my wife and family and I am trying desperately to fight off these urges or influeces etc. I really want to be a good husband and I know that I can I just wanted to seek out why I face these things. Sorry for my geeberish.
Hi AzcoMan,
I understand where you are and can appreciate that you love your wife and family. That’s good, very good and your concern protects you, I think, from doing harm. However, (I am not a therapist) are you missing something? Perhaps you know what that something is? Perhaps it may be a discussion you and your wife should have and perhaps test the waters of fulfilling something more than the motions of everyday living?
I hope things work out for you and your family.
Bryan
Adhd can reuin lives, I was hyper compulsive, sexually driven only with one woman, though. I was alway tryin to please her. I was going overboard. I would call trying to find out where she was. I was a nut, she would tell me anything I wanted to hear, I would believe and this fueled more rage. I tried to escape her, but she was so beautiful. OMG, she was fine. I tried not to lust! She got tired of me and she dumbed me. I can’t blame her. I deserve it. Adher’s can get crazy sometimes. With these disorders, I was the Jackyll and she was Mrs. Hyde. OMG she was fine. I wanted her all to myself and I wanted to control her. Sick yeah. I am sick yeah, YAH
Michael