Just a fantasy?
Who doesn’t want to fall in love forever? Who doesn’t want to meet that perfect person, that person who makes us feel whole, that person who makes us feel wonderful and beautiful?
Who doesn’t want to meet that person, you know who I am talking about, that person who understands who we are inside, who understands our ways of doing things, who understands the whys, the how’s and the frustrations, the temptations and the never ending contemplations?!
Who doesn’t? Who doesn’t want to meet that perfect, accepting person?
Out there, in the word, somewhere, that person is there, looking too, for acceptance, understanding and compassion, sympathy and reliability. We believe that, we have to - if we don’t – what else is there? Nothing else seems to matter, but then…
What is it that we are really looking for?
What is that drive which continues us forth on our never ending search?
Is it love? Really, true love?
Is it?
Or, is it consideration? That would be nice, yes, indeed. Or, is it acceptance? Are we looking for someone who makes us feel alive, gives us a feeling that we are someone of substance, more than just a fanciful delight – more than an amusement? More than just another moment in time?
What is it? What is it that we are looking for?
Quality?
What is quality? We are not to be purchased. There is no price!
Or, is quality really just another way of describing character? Is it character we are searching for? It could be. Or, maybe, we just want to be held, tightly, fully, for as long as we need to be?
Security?
Ah yes, to feel secure. But, there’s something more, must, just has to be, something, something, so, much, more!
Have you ever felt that you are someone special, someone of substance and character – someone of value to be treasured, respected? Have you ever felt…
Significant?
Ah, yes, indeed, that is the word I was looking for. Significant!
In the heat of passion, in the fever that makes ice melt and rocks burn there’s something more, something which holds everything together, something no monetary value will ever be placed upon, it cannot be purchased. In the night, when the lights have been dimmed and the touch is more important than the sight, we know what we have and we can feel the steam rising all around us like a cloud lifting our spirit to a crescendo.
Ah, but in the morning when the sun rises in the east and our eyes open with anticipation, nobody is there… we are alone.
Why?
Significance is something no one can give us. No, no one can give it to us. No one can make us worthy. No one can make us who we are. No one can make us beautiful, no one can make us smart, no one can make us valuable, no one can make us special. We are who we are.
True love is not a person, it is not a coupling. True love is when we value ourselves, when we find substance from within for who we are without the words of another to measure us. When we feel significant from within, an acceptance for our positives, negatives and all that roams between, the value of self is above reproach and above another’s quantification.
When we are valued from within, passion from another will not trap us. When we feel significant from within, whims from another will not own us. The next whirlwind is not the answer. The next sparkling, ever so shiny smile holds not the treasure of a thousand years which have duly waited for you.
No, truly, my friend, you have significance already. Your quality is beyond measure. You are all that you require to feel whole and complete.
You are significant, because, we are more than the sum of our needs, wantings and yearnings. We are people with heart and soul, with love and grace, with compassion and raison d’être enough for self first.
Love self first and passion cannot rule us from the perch of another’s whim. Then, when love comes, when it delivers itself in a costume of unassuming modesty, without a shiny smile or fanciful chaos, it can only then be appreciated as the brightest and most, utterly priceless shiny of all!
Of course, that’s just me thinking, as I tend to think… my ADDer perspective…
When the rain drops fall, don’t cry – oh no, please don’t. When the clouds form, don’t run for cover – oh, please, the shelter is within, hold me tightly, share the pain. When the sun rises, in our home, beneath our roof, within our shell, is the love of a lifetime waiting to break free!
In the chilled, crisp morning air, as the dawn breaks free, it breathes new life – for you, for me. The love of a lifetime. The treasure of a million years, the belief that there is good, because, there is good, indeed! - Value and respect. YOU!
The dawn is breaking free, the mask falls away, the rare heart, hidden so long, bleeding no longer, is here to be seen, to be heard, to be held, to be…
L o v e d
~Bryan
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You are so right. You think you have found the love of your life and then you find out you have ADD and then you start to think, did I? I know I think about the alot. ADD has changed me and was so excited to learn how to use my ADD skills and was very happy at the beginning.
Now between the all the stuff I have gone through, I feel kind of empty. Really for the first time in my life I am asking my self if I am in the right relationship (12 years). My motivation is down, my smile is upside down and cannot concentrate.
Bryan as you said as a child you stayed in your room…well I did too, and now I feel like I am doing that again..
Thanks for the posting…even though I sound sad, it is not true. It is just when I read your posts it always flips me out because it is exactly what is on my my mind…
Mindy
Sometimes, I think we rely too much on others to make use happy and feel satisfied. It can’t last, because truth be told, only from self can we find any sense of satisfaction. When we don’t feel it we tend to blame our partner for not caring enough, for not loving us enough and not being there enough. I know you have been through a lot and its okay to expect some kind of understanding and yes, even some sympathy, but that doesn’t always mean we are going to get it. This is especially difficult for those of us with ADD, because, more often than not it is obvious that we have put ourselves in certain situations and people who do that are not likely going to get the sympathy expected. Yes, we have ADD and yes our partners should understand that, but unless they have ADD themselves, there’s really only so much empathy to go around… that’s one of the reasons I have been talking about ‘self first’ lately. I enjoy going back in my memories, as I did in my book, and sharing what I have learned. So many people ask me about relationships and oddly, even though men tend not to comment, I receive just as many emails from men as I do women when it comes to relationships, which has become the number 1 subject emailed to me – so you are not alone, not even close!
I thank everyone that is single is looking for that special one in their life. It is just the waiting that is killing me . I want to be happy again with someone else. I just feel so alone sometimes but, just like anyone we have to be happy with ourselves first , before we can really and trully fall in love. And The way I know about this I was angry bitter person for along time . But, a friend of mind said that god can help you get the strength to get through this. I went to counsling and found myself and I’m happy with me . I just want to be able to snuggle with someone when I want . Doesn’t everybody that is single.
I tend to think so Sherry. Indeed, I do. I like how you mention that you want to be happy with someone else and not that you want someone else to make you happy.
Bryan,
This was another WONDERFUL post that I completely enjoyed! Another winner!
In my opinion, the average guy will try to put up this front that they are “macho, tough, cool and not mushy.” In my experience, guys usually try to hide their feelings and they do not want to become vulnerable, especially with females.
The truth be told, I admire a guy who will openly share his true feelings, dreams, fears, passions, life experiences and idea’s without feeling embarrassed or awkward.
Here is what I loved most about what you wrote: “Are we looking for someone who makes us feel alive, gives us a feeling that we are someone of substance, more than just a fanciful delight – more than an amusement? More than just another moment in time?”
Maybe I am just a dreamer, a hopeless romantic or I have watched far too many “chick flicks,”
but I have always believed that when two individuals first meet, if they mutually share an instant connection with one another, this is the first ingredient to add much more excitement, passion and intense emotions to a relationship. (Yes, this is the magic ingredient to provide amazing SUBSTANCE to a relationship!)
It can not simply be a “physical attraction.” Instead, it goes above & beyond outer appearance. Perhaps, I am a drama queen because I imagine sparks flying all over the place as the man deeply looks into the woman’s eyes?
Close your eyes and just imagine……You are alone on an elevator…..the elevator door slowly opens up……An absolutely “drop dead” good looking individual confidently walks into the elevator……The elevator door gradually closes….Then, suddenly, your eyes meet!
BANG! Just like that, automatically there is this exhilarating moment when you stare into each others eyes to simply discover your heart racing, your palms sweating, your knees feeling like jello and you have to stop to catch your breath!
As you look into one another’s eyes, words do not have to be spoken, two hearts come together as one, the mind knows, this is your soul mate who you have been dreaming of for a lifetime!
There is this magnetic connection that draws the two individuals together. They are both on the same “wavelength” and share similar thoughts, words and idea’s. Usually, they are soul mates who literally are surprised to discover that they say the same things at the exact same time! Simply EXHILARATING!
Yet, for true love to last, this relationship must build it’s foundation on trust, respect, freedom to accept one another with and without flaws, allow one another to be unique individuals who have their own minds and who bring out the best in one another.
The reality is that we honestly do NOT need another individual to make us feel complete. We need to be comfortable and accepting of our own self, talents, gifts and individuality. We are made whole by simply being who God created us to be.
However, once we realize our own strengths & weaknesses, we can be ready to fully give ourselves to another. Individuals may very well be significant on their own, but when two individuals come together as one, what becomes very significant and meaningful is the intense love that they share.
Our reality as an ADDer is that it may take us a lifetime to reach a positive place in our journey to feel for the very first time that we do NOT need another to confirm that we are WHOLE, SIGNIFICANT, ACCEPTING and COMPLETE.
Just coming to that incredible realization is a mind-blowing ACCOMPLISHMENT in itself! To go through life feeling so negative & worthless as an ADDer to gradually learn how to manage the continual chaos of ADD/ADHD is daunting enough. However, to seek help, grow, learn, improve behavior & attitudes as well as to eventually come to believe that we are WORTHY, regardless of the ADD/ADHD is a milestone deserving of celebrating!
For it is after we attain this rewarding milestone to fully accept ourselves with the good and the not so good that we can truly be prepared to fully give 100% of ourselves, without hesitation, fear or false pretense to remove any false masks and embrace the SIGNIFICANCE of TRUE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Very nicely said, Dana. Ah, the truth is well meant… sigh…
However, in my opinion, the drawback of drawbacks is to believe that there is any such thing as UNconditional true love. Everything has conditions, everything. We, as ADDers love the word unconditional, but in reality, we know that unconditional anything is impossible, even in love there are limits, only so much empathy.
That said, and I had to say it, your comment is FAB! Thanks for taking the time to share, I always enjoy your comments and posts on our ADDer World Network
Bryan, your comment about UNconditional true love has me thinking much deeper on the topic to come to a better understanding.
According to Wikipedia.org, here is their meaning of unconditional love:
“Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one’s actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships.”
As I ponder the idea that there may NOT be such a thing as UNconditional true love, I come to realize that most relationships, practices, traditions, laws, policies, educational facilities and workplaces all have “conditional” expectations.
When a husband and wife get married, they usually stand at the alter of the church to verbally state their wedding vows to one another during the wedding ceremony. This is the traditional wedding vow:
“I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”
As we analyze the wedding vows, which plenty of us have literally said at one or more times in our lives, we see that marriage has particular expectations and rules. For instance, in our vow we are promising to love this individual “for better or for worse.”
Yet, in reality, statistics prove that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, due to the unmet expectations of the conditions within the marriage relationship. When individuals marry, they may expect the other spouse to love them unconditionally “for better and for worse,” but the sad truth is that many individuals discover that “for the worse” is actually MUCH WORSE than they ever imagined!
Realistically, can we expect individuals to unconditionally love their spouse “for better or for worse” when there is physical abuse, drug addictions, adulterous affairs, deception or criminal behavior?
The fact of the matter is that marriage does have a condition to it, whether you consider it the wedding vows or simple common sense expectations, such as expecting your spouse to not over indulge in gambling, drugs or pornography. We may not have placed our expectations in writing, but there still may be an understanding between husband and wife to follow the conditions.
Truly, this is definitely CONDITIONAL LOVE. The law will even stand behind particular conditions within the bounds of matrimony to protect the marriage relationship.
Perhaps, UNconditional true love does exist, except that there are boundaries to maintain this form of love. Within reason, two individuals could unconditionally love one another. The catch is that there are boundaries for each individual that must be respected and followed to remain UNconditional.
For instance, I may love my husband unconditionally, but my boundary consists of him actively staying monogamous. Therefore, as long as my husband respects my boundaries within our marriage, I will provide unconditional love. Does this make sense?
What I have discovered is that there are definite terms, policies, boundaries and/or expectations to be followed, especially in relationships. In a way, this may suggest that there is no such thing as UNconditional true love.
On the other hand, it could also be challenged that as long as individuals maintain the “boundary or stipulation” then there is unconditional love. Meaning, love is NOT measured, it flows forth freely, effortlessly and no matter what.
Bryan, you have me thinking very deep and trying to come to grips with this subject. As a hopeless romantic, I wanted to believe that there is such a thing as UNconditional true love, but in essence, I have acknowledged that there is definite rules, boundaries and expectations involving everything in life.
First of all this post was an awsome post, like always Bryan . Being an ADD female I often think this way too , when I was single I will fully admit that there were times I enjoyed being single, especially when there wasn’t anyone that I was interested in dating. How ever being an ADD female & capricorn , I take love very seriously , I’m very upfront with my feelings but at the same time i’m also very sentive . I am the type of person who does not give up easly , even when I seem to be frustrated when it comes to an issue in my relationship . I truly believe that god puts our partner’s on this earth for a reason ( even when we are butting heads in our relationship with our partner’s) I also believe that true love means sometimes letting go & if that love is meant to be it will come to you , without you even trying.
First: Thank you Melissa
Second: Absolutely! Taking love seriously is incredibly important. Some of us just don’t realize how important, until it is too late and the shine has worn off.
Indeed, butting head’s is certainly going to happen in every relationship at one time or another, it depends on what that relationship is made of on whether it can stand the test of time. or ‘bumping head’s’ as you put it. Now, the part I have been thinking the most about and haven’t quite put together yet is the letting go part and if that love is meant to be, it will come back to you… that is a topic I plan on exploring in the near future… I would like to read more about what others think of the ‘if it is meant to be it will come back’ belief…
Thanks for your input Melissa.
My wife, Joan, is a Capricorn by the way
Wow, talk about an ironic post, but so important for us to find self acceptance. When I talked to my therapist last Saturday we discussed relationships, intimacy, and self acceptance. She’d given me this book to read called ‘Trusting You Are Loved’ by Lew Epstein; she felt that self esteem really was self acceptance – knowing you’re loved, worthy, and you accept yourself as is. I had to agree; because I’ve always felt like I had a good sense of what my self esteem felt like, it just had gotten buried in the last 15 years or so by negativity.
I’ve been on and off with a guy for awhile and I told my therapist I wanted to be able to find out whether he wanted a relationship and if not, I wanted to move on because I was tired of the roller coaster ride. I know the ADD clouded my judgment about this man, because I look back on his lack of actions and know that if I’d been on meds when I first met him, I would’ve seen him for the player he is. The day after I saw my therapist and had read most of the book she gave me, I finally was able to get from him “its just sex, why complicate it?”
Ouch!! Those were my feelings he stomped on, but I got what I wanted – closure. Weird that it played out the day after I talked to my therapist about it. I was sad for a couple of days; but I think I was mad at myself for believing his B.S. more than anything. Long ago when my intuition (that I ignored) told me something wasn’t right in his actions, I shut off my feelings, and distanced my heart.
I’ve felt kind of lost in the year since my diagnosis; but after having all these things happen in the last five days, I feel incredibly calm, in control, happy, looking forward to the future. Knowing that I can handle anything that comes my way; with meds, counseling, CBT, and self acceptance. I’m on the road to healing. I have ADD but it doesn’t have me.
Good for your Cookie…it’s really empowering to finally act, in a relationship, to determine where everyone’s boundaries are, and where the lines are that tell you what the relationship is, and by that I mean what it is for REAL, not what we think it is or what it to be.
So congratulations to you for being willing to do that work
Had to explore similar territory in my own relationship recently…different issues, but I had to find out where “the line” was and not only did I figure it out, but made some really good decisions based on what I figured out.
When I was young I believe in “true love” and thought it somehow involved another person. Trial and error as an impulsive ADHDer actually helped me indicrectly…when you have that many relationship disasters it’s pretty easy to let ideals fall away. I tend to see relationships is pretty unromantic terms these days
Doesn’t mean they don’t have value, just means my expectations are slightly more realistic.
Cookie and Katy: Exactly. To know the limits, to know the boundaries, to know what is real and what just show is critical to having something that will last. It is nice, to feel romantic, be passionate and feel like you’re walking on cloud nine, but at the end of the day, if there isn’t anything based on two people living in open understanding and honest about intentions, then what is there? It takes an honest approach to self to fully understand the value of a relationship that means something more than confetti… Of course, some just don’t want to know, some are not ready to take that next step and prefer to live in passion, but when the passion ends… well, I wrote about that last time
“well, I wrote about that last time”…hahaha…
I used to get so high on infatuation that I would feel lightheaded and queasy.
Nowadays I question if I even want to be in a relationship at all, nevermind a lifelong one. I enjoy partnership and companionship but I also, as an ADHDer, find it exhausting sharing living space with other people. The more I seek to structure my life in a way that is healthy for me as an ADHDer, the more friction I feel with people in my living space. I need people to leave my things along and not move or re-organize them. I need to organize myself on my terms. And there are certain things that I have NO intention of organizing, ever. My clothes? Nope. Never going to happen. Told my boyfriend this before we ever moved in, and explained that my “two pile system” was never going to change. If I find my dirty clothes mixed with my clean ones, one more time, I’m going to rub his face in some dirty socks!
I can’t even think of our relationship in terms of romance anymore because I don’t trust him to let my boundaries me where I need them in terms of how I organize my life. He’s a nice person, but he’s causing me so much stress.
So, I really didn’t intend to bitch about the boyfriend, but my point is that as an ADHDer who is now actually aware of being one…who I spend my time with and whether they respect my organizational needs is important. I can’t share my space with people that exhaust me. We’re working on it…but I find myself wondering if it should be this much work
It’s not just him…I ALWAYS pick romantic partners who are total neat freaks. I think because I felt so disorganized and making myself try to conform to THEIR demands was a way of trying to cope. I mean I knew I was disorganized…so if I could do what they wanted me to do that meant I had achieved something, right? Yikes!
Diagnosis has given me a framework and the confidence to begin to structure my OWN life…and now that I’m doing that it makes sense I would butt heads with the neatniks of the world.
So…maybe I need my own desert island? Because I don’t need this kind of stress at home! No lifelong committments for me right now thanks!
Katy,
The one thing that caught my attention was your sentence that stated, “I can’t share my space with people that exhaust me. We’re working on it…but I find myself wondering if it should be this much work?”
As I read your comments, I understood what you meant by it. Many times I feel the same way about marriage relationships. Should it really be this much work?
Yet, it just occurred to me that possibly what I consider “so much work” is TOO MUCH for ME, the ADDer, but maybe it is not as challenging, frustrating or too much work for an individual who DOES NOT have ADHD? Does it all boil down to ADHD individuals have to work so much harder, do much longer and with so much stronger emotions compared to the NON-ADDer’s?
Katy: A two pile system? How do you manage with just two piles??? I have two on my desk alone, one in the kitchen and I am not going to discuss my night stand. Clearly, there are certain things a partner must tolerate, and, there are things about them which we must tolerate, even if they do not have ADHD.
What’s interesting is, I can usually find the information in my piles faster than you might think… getting a non-ADDer to believe that though, takes a little time…
Oh Bryan, the two piles is JUST my laundry. Clean pile and Dirty pile.
The coffee table has another pile…the filing is finally a pile under control, with one bin for “to be filed” and the rest is in the filing cabinet (took MONTHS to get to that point). And I have a little portable filing box for the bookkeeping so that if I run out of time I can take it to a friend for a “booster” dose of data entry…my nightstand looks like a circus came to town. I’m getting really organized though…but yes, the two piles is just laundry. Don’t worry, they diagnosed me correctly, lol…
ha ha Katy, okay… I have promised myself for years to get a filing box, or something of that nature… I will let you know when I get one! Maybe I can use it as another nightstand!?