Here’s a top ten list I have put together of things to do and NOT do with your ADHD partner:
Do not:
- Do not play parent (motherly or fatherly)
- Do not take on the sole responsibility of trying to correct his or her behavior
- Do not blame every aspect of the relationship which might be damaged on his or her ADHD
- Do not make statements which are demeaning with the hope that it will spark his or her attention that they must make corrective efforts.
- Do not say things like: “This is the right way to do this or that.” Or “That’s not the way things should be done.”
- Do not take his or her hyper focusing on projects or people, places or things personally. Hyper focusing is not about your relationship directly or indirectly, it’s a difficult to control or much less, predict, trait of ADHD.
- Do not insist that medication is the answer to your relationship issues as a whole. Treatment of ADHD will help, but there are at least two people in every relationship, not one.
- Do not expect ADHD symptoms to ever completely go away or that you can change someone’s behavior. ADHD symptoms are not bad habits.
- Do not expect your ADHD partner to say the right things or become interested in subjects being discussed in social gatherings; however, Adult ADDers have spent a life time trying to fit in and often mix into the background without attracting attention.
- Do not predict what we may do or say in every situation – we are rather impulsive and tend to change as things change around us (more on this in an upcoming post).
Do:
- Do learn all that you can about ADHD. I sincerely think it is best to learn from those who have ADHD, by reading their personal experiences, successes and also their failures. The very best book on the subject from this perspective is Dr. Hallowell’s book ‘Driven to Distraction’. There are many books out there and online blogs written by people with ADHD, each with their own unique perspective. The best book by someone without ADHD is by Gina Pera, ‘Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.’ She interviews thousands of ADDers in relationships (and out) and yes, consoles us too. Her book is specifically about Adult ADHD and Relationship issues, how it effects relationships and what steps can be taken to improve the relationship from the ADHD perspective and treatment options.
- Do keep an open mind and realize that you have traveled into a novel experience which you cannot predict or always plan for.
- Do express your wants, needs and desires by asking specifically for a time and place to discuss and write them down. Keep it pleasant and be sure to explain how your ADHD partner will benefit by taking your needs into account. I know it is difficult to understand why you or anyone would need to clarify such seemingly obvious things, but it helps to understand that communication cues are often missed by ADHD partners without us meaning to miss them, or (oh my, sorry) ignore you. ADDers also perform better from a reward standpoint and yes, even for you.
- Do expect to find things in strange places. We tend to lose things quite frequently, to include, but not limited to: keys, wallets, letters, cards, utensils, cars and yes, even shoes. I take my shoes off just about anywhere in the house. I tried taking them off at the door for at least two days straight and then without considering it, I gave up on that. Each morning I search for my shoes. Joan usually knows where they are, especially if she tripped over them… hi Joan!
- Do suggest eating out. Even if you cook, most of us loath nothing more than dishes, so if you like to be helped with the dishes, plan for eating out. Unless, of course, you don’t mind doing the dishes, or letting them sit for days on end. Do invest in plastic, throw away utensils and plates.
- Do expect changes to just about everything. We rarely do anything the same way twice and a lot of us love to rearrange things in our homes. If you’re in a new relationship and your ADHD friend always seems to be rearranging their apartment furniture or decoration, roll with it, again, this is not a bad habit, it’s a way of life.
- Do expect delays. When we say about 10ish…. We really mean you should probably give us a call around 9ish to remind us or nudge us along, gently, politely… think rewarding thoughts that you might like to express when you call.
- Do expect a lot of innovation and creativity. We often come up with new and usually confusing ways of doing things; some can save money, but often cost more money in the long run. I remember purchasing a $2000.00 billiard cue (I had to save quite a while for it). I purchased it for the type of ‘hit’ it gives and performance, not for the art design, so I stripped down the butt end and painted my own design and lacquered it. Yes, that does seem odd, but again, I didn’t buy it for the art design or the mother of pearl, which I destroyed when stripping it… oops. The mother of pearl meant nothing to me, but….. Oh man!
- Do expect (and I know this isn’t fair) for us to maneuver ourselves out of house chores and somehow leave them for you. This isn’t intentional, I swear it isn’t, it just happens. I personally do not recommend a home with a garden or front yard, it is just not a good idea, trust me on this one. Goats that eat the grass in the backyard? Now we are talking!
- Do expect our lists of do’s to be rather outlandish, but on the other hand, totally serious! Do expect the unexpected.
So, that’s my do and don’t lists. Would you like to add some suggestions for do and don’t do? Feel free to add yours or comment about mine below.
Have fun!
I am totally serious.
~Bryan
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This is a keeper. I will be printing this off to give to others.Thanks Bryan
Twitter: ADDerWorld
// Nov 8, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Thanks Mindy, actually, I am looking for a wordpress plugin that will make it easier to print the blog posts, as that is a highly requested feature, but so far I haven’t found a good plugin that doesn’t require edits to the theme template…. still looking though, so if anyone knows of a good one, please let me know… thx,
Bryan
Learning more about ADHD is important for all in relationships. When I start in the middle of a story or head off in a tangential way, my guy gently brings me back to the point.
Twitter: ADDerWorld
// Nov 8, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Interesting Kirsten, Joan tends to do that with me too, especially when she has started a topic, I relate to it and take it over… tsk… tsk… she’s usually gentle too, but we’ve been together for a while so she can give me ‘her’ look and you know the rest of this story… as you were saying
Ha, I was just blogging about a related topic…I’ll add “do not dismiss your partner’s feelings by saying things like ‘are you sure your medication is working’ unless a) you really and truly think that their feelings have no actual validity or b) you have a sincere concern that they are having an actual pharmacological issue”.
Twitter: ADDerWorld
// Nov 9, 2009 at 9:04 am
Ah Katy, you just hit on a very sensitive subject. A couple weeks ago I got caught up in a lengthy conversation, actually a couple of them, where medication was the main topic and it wasn’t about the benefit of medication for ADHD, which, let’s be clear, medication can be a God-send, but rather because people without ADHD insist that we take it, or that we are not taking enough of it or that we forgot to take it etc… etc… Of course, due to my system, I cannot tolerate ADHD meds, but I have also been the victim of people saying I should take it or I am not taking enough. You read me right, I said the ‘victim’ of.
Taking ADHD medication is a very personal thing and it doesn’t help when someone who doesn’t have ADHD tells us that we need it, especially, as in your case, you are already taking it. Most do not realize the sensitivity of this subject and the manipulative connotations. Anyway, that was a reason behind my post ‘Breaking up can be the right thing to do’. The choice of medication, the dose and toleration is between one’s doctor and the patient, not for anyone else, family member, spouse, partner or friend. Of course, when it comes to children, that doesn’t apply – it’s between the parents, child and doctor.
I’ve got a feeling this subject is going to become bigger and more vocal as ADHD medication becomes more ‘mainstream’. From what I have been reading, some folks, even those pro-medication are fed up. If you’re not taking it, you’re not a doctor (the patient’s doctor), stay out of it – is the opinion which I am hearing most lately, and I tend to agree. The mainstream media has reported so much abuse lately, that folks are simply becoming extra sensitive and with due reason.
~Bryan
For my wife (who is not ADD) it would be nice to have 10 do’s and don’t’s that ADD people should be aware of for their non ADD spouse.
Twitter: ADDerWorld
// Nov 9, 2009 at 9:06 am
Great suggestion Patrick! If you have some ideas, please feel free to send them my way, my email is in the right column if you prefer that way… anyone else with some suggestions we could compile for such a list as Patrick would like to have? I think we could all benefit from such a list!
Great post–thanks! One little thing … I’d recommend Hallowell and Ratey’s newer book, Delivered from Distraction, instead of their older book (Driven to …). You can read a chapter of Delivered from … here (on NPR’s website): http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4749307I so agree about the medication issue, that too many people are offering uneducated opinions that don’t reflect the complexity and personal nature of the decision. I’ve said this elsewhere, but I’ve had someone tell me they hoped I’d never take meds, and someone else accuse me of advocating medieval medicine when I suggested that it it’s possible to manage ADD without meds. So, um, circling back to the main topic, my ex (with whom I have a pretty good co-parenting relationship) actually broached the subject of meds recently, in a way that didn’t feel particularly helpful. (I’m the one with an ADD diagnosis.) I’m thinking that I would have found his input more helpful if he were better informed about the big picture of ADD and medication–your suggestion number 1. Thanks!
Twitter: ADDerWorld
// Nov 9, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Thanks Kathleen!
I have not yet read Delivered from Distraction, but now that you mentioned it I will order it today
Excellent list, Bryan! Just for fun, here is my own list:DO NOT:1) Do not take it personal when your ADDer partner forgets what you told them. If she/he says that you never told her/him about whatever it is, good chance that it when in one ear and out the other!2) Do not treat your ADDer partner like an irresponsible child or rebellious teenager. What an ADDer needs the most is sensitivity, consideration, respect, a good listener and encouragement.3) Do not think that the ADDer partner understands & comprehands everything that you communicate. Unintentionally, the ADDer may accidentally misunderstand the message because of the tone of your voice, the look on your face or not realizing that you were only joking. 4) Do not “baby” the ADDer by doing EVERYTHING for them. Instead, try to encourage the ADDer that they can actively try new things in life and learn a new skill. Allow the ADDer partner to gain confidence in themselves by accomplishing a task without you always being there to do the job for them.5) Do not ever think that your ADDer partner is able to process information when you are overwhelming them with numerous things to remember. Instead, ONLY ask one thing at a time and do not rattle on & on.DO:1) Do take your partner seriously if she/he states that they are experiencing an “ADDer Moment.”2) Do allow your ADDer partner to take a “time out” to escape the chaos and noise of social gatherings or the frustration of everyday living. Many ADDer’s need to spend time alone to “regroup”, to hibernate for “peace of mind” or to simply unwind.3) Do support your ADDer partner by attending a CHADD meeting or by gaining knowledge about ADD/ADHD. The more non-ADDer partners learn, the better equipped they are to help their partner to successfully manage their ADD/ADHD.4) Do understand that the ADDer is not using his/her diagnosis of ADD/ADHD as an “excuse.” This truly undermines what the ADDer is experiencing and causes unnecessary guilt, shame, frustration and anger. 5) Do praise, encourage and recognize when the ADDer partner successfully meets a goal or accomplishes something special. For the non-ADDer, some projects or tasks may appear unchallenging, very simple or like it was no big deal. Yet, for an ADDer to begin a project, consistenly stick with it and complete it, this is a major accomplishment for them!
Twitter: ADDerWorld
// Nov 10, 2009 at 6:40 am
You mentioned something, Dana, which I often need and that is time alone to regroup and think things through without interruption. A nice long walk through the park or the woods always does the trick. However, I must admit since I have been with Joan I need far less time alone as we have very good communication where we can talk about things while building each other up and comparing experiences. Her experiences interest me as much as my own and, quite honestly, I haven’t had that before… Now to work on the other list Patrick asked for
Bryan
(I didn’t at all mean to dismiss that we ADHDers can be difficult to live with at times. Only to highlight that dismissing a person’s actual feelings out of anger, or in an act of manipulation is just plain not okay.One advantage to the ADHDer is that we really suck at hiding who we really are for very long…so…while I know we’re frustrating sometimes, non-ADHDers who choose us also need to own their choice to stay with us…and all that that entails.I’ve actually been on “the other side of the fence” in a relationship where my other had a totally different mental health issue. Didn’t break up with them because of their disorder, broke up with them because they refused any dialogue or communication with their mental health team about what wasn’t working, and in this case, their behavior without medication was actually very dangerous, so something had to be said. So…yes, a touchy issue…and yes, medication sometimes doesn’t work and someone has to say something, and it’s usually going to be the “non”. But there are plenty of ways to communicate about these things without dismissing a person’s very real feelings at the same time…anyway…I’m glad you posted these suggestions Bryan.)
Twitter: ADDerWorld
// Nov 10, 2009 at 6:34 am
Hi Katy, didn’t seem like you were dismissing such
we know full well how difficult we can be at times 
I sent this to my spouse. A couple of days later I asked her what she thought of this post and she said she agreed with some of it but felt the rest of the reasons were nothing more than cop-outs for irresponsible behavior, because “You’re all adults who should know right from wrong, so you should work harder to stop the behavior.” She also told me recently she no longer finds it possible to stay in a relationship with an ADD person. Needless to say, I’m looking forward to the divorce.
Twitter: ADDerWorld
// Nov 11, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Inwardsea, I am sorry to hear that you are getting divorced. Having been through divorce myself, I know it is not an easy thing. With that said, the assertion that we know right from wrong, is mostly correct, as I see it; however, the assertion that we should be better able to control it isn’t a fair remark and an obvious lack of understanding of what ADHD ADD is and how it affects us – yes, indeed with treatment we can improve and succeed, heck even overachieve in some cases, but ultimately we still have a lot to work with and overcome day in and day out AND this has nothing to do with taking responsibility or control, as in my latest post If we could fully control ADHD well, then we wouldn’t have it, now would we?
I feel you and hope this goes as smoothly as possible for both of you. My thoughts are with you!
uberVU - social comments // Nov 11, 2009 at 10:44 pm
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Bryan,I like washing dishes; in fact, I can hyperfocus while doing it. But off course, I do it in a true ADDer fashion, meaning it takes longer than the normal time for cleaning because I like to closely observe if they are grease-free, clean, and shiny. Once my housekeeper (I have two at home, btw) was so impatient to see me doing the dishes until she took over the job and told me to just relax. So, for the ‘do’ list, I would modify a bit as follows:”If she likes washing dishes, let her do it at her own time and fashion, unless there is a matter of life and death interferes. And if you think she can hyperfocus more when doing dishes than when having your intimate moment, don’t be discouraged. It’s not you, it’s her. Seriously. After all, sharing such moment never equals to washing dishes and you are not a greasy, dirty plate.”
Twitter: ADDerWorld
// Nov 13, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Oh my Riri, aren’t you a rare treat
At first, I was thinking how in the world, but something you wrote reminded me when I worked in my father’s restaurant and he taught me how to properly wash the glasses, how to get them to sparkle and free of any smudges or soap stains etc… I became so focused on making them as clean as possible that it would take me forever to finish them, but I do remember enjoying the process… oh why did you have to remind me of this??? lol
Thanks Riri!
Bryan