|
In relationships there’s a lot of give and take. You give some, you take some and you give some more. It’s a simple and necessary principle of reciprocation.
The above sentence could just about start out any relationship book, but it’s not a very good starting point for a book about ADHD, love, relationships and sex – you know, together. ADHD brings something to a relationship which is unpredictable, frustrating and exciting and, even a bit intimidating from time to time.
I think it is a good guess that most people would enjoy stability in their relationship, with someone who is dependable, reliable and in this way somewhat predictable. However, although people with ADHD can be dependable and reliable to a degree, they can hardly be predictable, at least not from month to month and especially not from year to year.
What do I mean?
Our interests are constantly changing. I don’t know about every single person with ADHD, but I can tell you that my favorite color is not always blue and I do not always want to see the same type of movies. As a matter of fact, as time passes, there are movies, stories, places and even things which I have greatly enjoyed in the past, but I don’t want anything to do with those things now.
People with ADHD are constantly in flux, constantly attracted to new things, constantly searching for answers and looking for new experiences. This doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy and appreciate a long term relationship, even marriage, this just means that there are some things about us which will never remain the same.
Yes, I agree, these things I mention could be said of just about anyone with or without ADHD, but let me be clear here, some people, or, even most people, do change their behaviors, likes and dislikes from time to time, but with ADHD, it’s more than that. It’s as though we become different people after a time – some of our tastes, likes and dislikes can change so much that you could probably not buy us the perfect present with up to a year of prior planning. To get the perfect present, you would need to get that present with consideration of the here and now, what’s been mentioned most recently with some regularity? That’s what is more likely to please the ADDer.
For a moment, imagine an ocean’s waves crashing to the shore, if you watch closely enough no two wave’s crash against the shore exactly the same as the one before it, but all the waves come from the exact same ocean. Just as the Moon controls the tides of the oceans of the earth, so does ADHD control the constantly fluctuating behavior of those of us with ADHD.
I have ADHD, sometimes I enjoy it and sometimes, well, I don’t. I am sure anyone with an ADHD partner feels more or less the same way.
~Bryan
~~~~~~~~~~~~
> If you enjoyed this post, please share it via icons below. And enjoy free ebooks, too! If error commenting, your comment will post.
The eBooks are Free! Available Here.
|
Okay, in true ADDer Fashion, how long did you stare at the waves in the picture?
Reply to Bryan Hutchinson.-= Bryan Hutchinson´s last blog ..If ADHD were fully controllable then it wouldn’t be ADHD =-.
Until I got that carsick feeling ….. lol. I always thought it was
the art side of me that liked vibrant color, different textures,
variety of mediums!
If it were fully controllable, I’m not sure I’d know how to cope having
to be part of mainstream society. It makes my mind spin just thinking
of how we’d have to relearn new behaviors!
Every relationship whether intimate or not has give and take. If ADD
Reply to Cookiewas fully
controllable…….would there be any genre of art? Wouldn’t
everything be black and white, with no shades of gray? So
uninteresting, so monotonous, so dreary? I think the world would be a
terribly robotic place if
every disorder was fully controllable. Everyone’s differences is what
makes life so much more interesting and meaningful.
That’s a positive way to see things Cookie
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonBryan, I honstly thank you with my whole heart when you write I see me and thank God for people like you keep on keepin on brother and God Blesspeace we are
Reply to Ronald sorensonThanks Ronald: Keep on Keeping on!
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonI did NOT stare at the waves, they were making me queasy! (I highly recommend the blogger application “Fish” though…tanks of little fishes swimming around…good times!).This makes me think of a few things. First…that when my ex would get exasperated with me (sometimes due to me being annoying, but sometimes due to his own bad mood) I would remind him “if you didn’t like me exciting you wouldn’t have picked me!”. Even in a bad mood that would make him laugh.Also…to me, this confirms the line between personality and ADHD/behavior. There are certain things about me BESIDES ADHD that actually remain constant. My Myers Briggs personality traits (if you’re into such things) actually point to me being a very logical, orderly, efficient, thinking person with a strength in creating systems an organizing groups. ALL of these things are true…and there are certain images or foods that I have always loved, because I’m me, and those are the things that I like.Here’s a good example of ADHD’s impact in my life though…I am a performing and creative artist. However, where some people may play the bassoon their whole life, I have had many, many lives as an artist. I played three instruments from age 7 to adulthood (not sequentially, but overlapping one another)…I studied theater in college and not only acted but produced, directed, and wrote plays. I have also had a lifelong love affair with sewing and this now produces a chunk of my income…and…I have studied different types of dance on and off (a GREAT ADHDer activity for me because it keeps me moving and VERY focused). The love and NEED for creative expression have always been there for me. I asked for a piano for my birthday when I was a little girl. This is part of me, part of my personality, and my aptitude for these things help me to feel good about myself. The changes of specific art form, or overlapping of art forms when one is not challenging me enough? ADHD, baby.So I totally get what you are talking about Bryan and it is very true for me. I sometimes feel I’ve have 10 lives in one lifetime because each of these vocations and hobbies gives me a different relationship with the world around me.Part of diagnosis, for me, has been acknowledging this very thing you write about…then working to understand it, and understand the ways that it helps and sometimes hurts me. I am beginning to see ways that I can use it to help me…and see other things that I need to resist the urge to act upon in order to live a better, more effective, and less stressful life.Thank you for another good post on the “universalities” that most of us ADHDers probably experience.
Reply to Katy B.OH…the other thing this made me think of…at my mental health center they say (and I’m sure this isn’t just some schtick they came up with, but they’re my source) that part of the definition of ADHD is impairment. So if a person comes in and says “I totally have ADHD” and after that lengthy battery of questions and interviews they give you it is clear that your job is going great, your life is organized, you’re not shooting yourself in the ass, your social life is normal, and your primary relationships are strong and doing well…um…you probably don’t have ADHD, you are probably just overly self-critical or have been reading too much pop-psychology, lol.I sometimes have to come back to this…yes, I’m an ADHDer…but I’m pretty high functioning. Unfortunately though, that doesn’t mean my life is in perfect working order…it just means I had gotten REALLY good at hiding it from other people, just not from myself. I was screaming on the inside and felt that aspects of my life could collapse at any moment. I put all of my unfocused energy into pleasing and meeting obligations to others and could not stop myself from piling on more obligations…I’m really thinking about this now so I think I’ll channel it into a blog post but…don’t go thinking that label “high functioning” is some kind of cake walk…”high functioning” is still impaired, and some of the toxic coping skills of the high functioning ADHDer are as hard (if not sometimes harder) to unlearn as it is to learn totally new skills…you know what they say about old dogs…new tricks…Oh geez, I need to stop writing and get some work done…seriously, if ADHD were fully controllable, I wouldn’t write so damn much…thanks again for getting me thinking…
Reply to Katy B.My pleasure Katy
Actually, I think you needed to write as much to fully say what you wanted to say, with meaning and for others to comprehend. Have you noticed that although we have so many issues, a lot of us are quite good at describing and putting our issues into context? I think you do that very well. You don’t write so damn much, you are making sure you are understood and not everyone does that. I get what you are saying. When you wrote that you sometimes feel you have lived 10 lives in 1 lifetime, I am totally there!
B.
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonThat is so funny you should write about this. My husband and I had a conversation a couple weeks ago about how life with me is like adventure that keeps him on his toes. He said the exact same thing. It keeps his life exciting, but it can also be exhausting trying to keep up. By contrast, his interests and hobbies are completely stable and predictable. Legos, star wars, games, computers, fixing things. He’s has the same interests his whole life. I’m the exact opposite. I could be so gun ho on something and suddenly one day I drop it. I’m even that way with food. I think as ADDers we change so much that anything stable can seem boring, it’s a big risk in a relationship with a non-ADDer. But with us, I appreciate how he grounds me and balances me. I appreciate how how he appreciates the adventure of living with me. When you stay focused on appreciating the positive aspects, and of course working to minimize the downsides…it can work. For example, I have to do my part and try to be on time. If I don’t try, it’s just downright disrespectful to him. He stretches for me, I have to also stretch for him. I don’t think any long term relationship can survive without constantly refocusing on what’s good between you and being compassionate toward the other every day. Thanks for a great post! You help so many people!
Reply to Ariane BenefitThank you Ariane!
Seems you and I are the lucky ones to have found partners that help us and motivate us to be better not just for ourselves, but for them too. I think it genuinely takes a special type of person to live with, nurture and especially, love a person with ADHD. Not everyone can do it, actually, not too many can, but those that do, there comes that little something extra, almost like medication that helps us strive to meet them half way and what’s more is that our efforts are greatly appreciated, because, somehow they understand, truly understand what kind of work it is for us. Yep, it takes special people indeed. I can only wish such people on our fellow friends with ADHD, they are out there, but finding them isn’t easy, but whenever you do, you’ll know. I have been on the other side of too many relationships, parented, told I needed to get it together, take responsibility, all that jazz and really, what I needed was someone who appreciates what I sincerely am doing, what I am working toward, what I am dealing with, that bit of appreciation that carries with it a fellowship in love, now that my friends and neighbors, that’s what works, that’s what makes the difference.
Bryan
Reply to Bryan HutchinsonAriane, you sound like a LOVELY person to be married to…now get busy cloning yourself
Reply to Katy B.My wife is pretty smart, and smart and pretty. She knows that when I walk in room and start talking(as good as I am able too),and begin rambling on about some weird thought I have, or a realy weird dream I had(I have some doozies..lol) that all she has to do is say: “Goodby now.” And I will realize I am doing it again, and we look at each other and laugh. And I go find something to do, because I can’t sit for too long, whithout thinking of something cool I just thought about, and be right back in there talking about it. ..lol. As least we both know it.
Reply to Scott Hutson