I have written posts indicating that ADHD is not always the culprit in a broken relationship. I sincerely do not believe everything and anything is the fault, or should be blamed on an ADHD partner.
However, with that said:
ADHD can have devastating effects on relationships. I don’t think that’s a secret. Still, if anyone with ADHD is in a relationship and has avoided seeking help or proper treatment, or has been uncertain if doing so will help, then my best suggestion is to seek treatment because, yes, your ADHD could certainly be the cause of relationship hardships, or it could be complicating an otherwise beautiful, worth-it relationship.
Diagnosis with proper treatment will not only help make relationships better and more fulfilling, but proper treatment can make one’s entire life more rewarding and satisfying.
Diagnosis with proper treatment equals more out of life!
It really does.
Diagnosis and treatment are not magic wands though. Treatment still involves a lot of work. Some of the issues we have with ADHD, especially when not yet diagnosed, is that many of us have also developed certain ‘habits’ to cope and not all of our coping habits are as helpful as we might like.
Let’s go over a little list together and let’s see if anything sounds familiar.
ADHD could be affecting your relationship if…
- If a coping mechanism is simply not to talk at all with your partner to keep from saying the wrong thing. If you’re not communicating, the relationship isn’t going to make it.
- If your partner complains that s/he can never get a word in edgewise, especially about important issues, because: a) you are interrupting or take over b) you change the subject as if something else caught your attention c) assume what s/he is going to say and therefore blurt something else out impulsively, or d) all of the above or similar. Yes, you could be an ADDer and if so, treatment will help. The appreciation rock routine, which Joan and I developed ourselves for our relationship, could help yours as well. Get a nice small, smooth rock, call it an appreciation rock and while one person is talking they hold the rock, neither party is allowed to interrupt or speak while the other is holding the appreciation rock. When one person is completely finished speaking, they hand the appreciation rock to the other, it’s their turn. We call it an appreciation rock because nothing should be spoken in anger or accusingly while holding it, and just as importantly, we tune ourselves to listen appreciatively. You will soon notice how difficult this is at first, especially if it is already an issue, but over time this may go a long way to better communication and understanding, or at least demonstrate how much interrupting is an issue.
- If you’re avoiding the bills because you need that latest game or other highly stimulating entertainment, yes, then that is more than likely an issue affecting your relationship.
- If you’re using alcohol to work your way through issues, or, avoid them, it’s a very good idea to seek help. Proper treatment for ADHD can help reduce the need for such; however, this area needs professional care and support too. Please, do seek help. There is no shame in seeking help. I was very lucky in this area, because I grew up working in my father’s restaurants and grew to detest even the slightest smell of alcohol.
- If you are constantly in failing relationships and the same issues tend to come back to haunt you, then looking in the mirror is a good idea. If you have ADHD, addressing ADHD with proper treatment will make a world of difference. Don’t take yourself for granted, because really, if anyone with ADHD doesn’t seek proper professional treatment in some form, it comes down to taking one’s self for granted and remember, we can’t get the time back that is lost due to avoidance. I know we can’t get any lost time back, but when it comes to avoidance, the regret that comes later sure seems to hurt a lot more.
- If you are always concerned about your needs being fulfilled and you are not aware of your partner’s needs, then ADHD can be the culprit. It’s important to remember that we, as ADDers, tend to think of ourselves, first, second and well, third too. Our partners have needs, wants and desires too, if those are not fulfilled it could eventually lead to the partner seeking to have those needs, wants and desires fulfilled elsewhere. Treatment for ADHD can help us look outside of ourselves and realize our partner’s needs are relevant and not only deserve, but need attention too!
- If you leave things undone around the house, not cleaning up spills, leaving the dishes in the sink, not cleaning up dirt tracked in, or not letting the dog out on time etc. Trust me, this is affecting your relationship even if your partner doesn’t complain… yet. This behavior comes across as childish and ultra disrespectful, but it is not meant to be and it is a very common trait of ADHD. You know that and I know that. One’s first response could be to get out of the relationship because that will never change. Proper treatment of ADHD can help improve such behavior and I believe, when you’re in that special relationship, you will more than likely want to change and get the help you need. Wanting-to is not enough when it comes to ADHD though, that’s why it is a disorder; therefore, proper professional treatment is imperative.
- If you are constantly forgetting things, like picking up the kids, anniversaries, birthdays and other special events which mean as much to your partner as they do you, then your ADHD is affecting your relationship. Out of all the symptoms, I think this is the one where we have to take a moment and realize that when we are forgotten, or left out, or neglected, there are few, few things that hurt us more. Think about it: Have you ever felt neglected or forgotten? We know how it feels, don’t we? Take that in. Feel it for a moment. People without ADHD feel emotionally too, they hurt too, they have feelings and need satisfaction as much as the next person and when in a relationship with an ADDer, sometimes their needs, satisfaction and hopes get lost as we can’t even find our keys. Treating ADHD can make that difference.
- If during love-making you cannot focus on enjoying it and constantly consider what comes next, or your mind drifts here and there, then you could be an ADDer! Seriously, this affects relationships as well and it could be affecting it profoundly! Treatment can help here too.
- If… (go ahead and fill the rest of these in…)
Even if one’s relationship issues are not directly caused by ADHD, we still owe it to ourselves to seek treatment, because, life has so much to offer and we tend to miss out on too much. It’s about quality of life, your quality of life and if you are in a relationship, your partner’s as well.
In any event, please don’t take yourself for granted, because, yes, you do have so much to offer. You really do. Proper professional treatment can help you be more than you ever imagined you could be. I truly believe that. The thing is, now-a-days, insurance, bills and holding down a job seem to be the factors in control and taking the most of our time. Most especially in such times as these, it is important to realize what is of most value to us and make something of what we do have.
I am not a relationship counselor, therapist or anything of that nature. I write from what I have experienced and have learned, hindsight is 20/20. So, please take my posts as a friend who’s been there and done that, nothing more than that. If I had to boil this post down to one word, I think that word would be: Consideration. That’s all I am saying. Not all relationships are meant to be, but, you know, there are relationships in life you just don’t want to lose! I tend to believe we know when we have that type of relationship…
The sun and the stars above, heaven speaks, remember when those long walks, those late nights, we never wanted them to end, those late night talks that lasted till dawn…
If so, yeah, I thought so, you know, indeed.
If not, then you have some kind of special wonderful to look forward to.
~Bryan
PS: (*My posts on this blog or anywhere should absolutely NOT be used to diagnose or treat anyone, even self. If you suspect ADHD or any condition, please do seek a professional diagnosis and/or professional treatment.)
~~> If you enjoyed this post, plz share it. The icons to popular sites like tweeter and facebook, below, make it easy to share. Also, enjoy this free ebook:
Related Posts
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Bryan,I don’t have to tell you that I understand how ADHD, or any mental disorder can affect the ones we love, when we are the ones with the disorder.You gave many good examples(out of ten billion) of the way we can hurt our partners and ourselves…if we don’t know, or won’t admit that we need help before it is too late.Hindsight is 20/20, as you say. Lets be thankful it is Bro……It’s hard to look at, and it may be broken. But we can build a better one when we see where it was broken.Scott.
Yeah, Scott, you’re right about that. It’s hard to look at. I promised a commenter a few posts back that I would give examples of the other side and I think it is important to have balance. I didn’t particularly enjoy writing this one, some of the instances hit home, especially from the deep, dark past… you know, the past I am talking about, the one I like to leave buried out past Yester Street. With that said, it’s too true and most of us do not really need these reminders, but there are some new to the world of ADHD and are not really sure what is affecting what and what isn’t and then there are some who need to see it or hear it from someone other than their partner, because let’s be honest no one likes anyone complaining or nagging ‘em to death, even if they are right – most of us are already doing everything we know how to do and sometimes that isn’t enough either… My previous posts point out what I think about when you’ve done, and are doing, all you can and the relationship is still breaking down… sometimes you need a break and sometimes it isn’t the ADHD. Normal people can have major issues too, then there is a myriad of other disorders and dysfunctions too… but ultimately, the person with ADHD is best served with proper treatment for self first.
Bryan
Gee, thanks again for all the “d’oh!” moments Bryan. Don’t take the self for granted…indeed.Actually the biggest thing I’m getting from this is a flashback to my dad perpetually forgetting to pick my sister up from school, which predictably did wonders for her self-esteem, lol…and the time he grounded me because he forgot that he’d given me explicitly clear permission to meet up with a friend after school. He had NO recollection whatsoever of that conversation, and unfortunately his ADHD lack of memory was the word of law…unfortunately we didn’t know what it was, so at the risk of sounding dramatic, we indeed suffered in silence.Learning that your parents are human in those kinds of ways is painful (not just picking on my father, but these things really did happen)…worst part is that you know that there’s something logically incorrect about what’s going on, but the person is not being treated for anything, so everyone just acts like it’s normal. Gives a kid really mixed up picture of family and relationships. A certain sense of justice was missing because these kinds of things were unquestioned and unexplained. Sis and I bore a lot of consequences that were never ours to own. Sharing this as a heads up to parents who think they might have ADHD, who have thought about “treatment” but are still trying to tell themselves that it’s not really affecting their kids. Diagnosis doesn’t make everything perfect, but it can give your family a chance at reclaiming some sense of grounding and unity. Can also give your kids a chance to learn to appreciate the whole YOU, not just grow up hating that part of you they can’t explain and that won’t explain itself.
Katy, I am sorry to hear about that. You know my story in that realm by now, I am sure, but you know, hey, like you said, they are human too, it’s just extra difficult to realize or understand as a child. Back then ADHD wasn’t understood as well and few people were actually diagnosed and/or treated correctly.
What you said in your comment is really what this post is all about:
A head’s up to anyone who might be considering that ADHD is an issue, because treatment can make a difference. Just the awareness of a real diagnosis can clear up so much confusion. Of course, treatment isn’t a cure, but it’s a lot better than not dealing with the issue professionally or at all.
Thanks Katy,
Bryan
A diagnosis can mean all the difference in the world. Before I was diagnosed I knew there was something wrong with me. I had (still do) all the classic symptoms of ADHD but didn’t know it until my daughter was diagnosed. I will never forget my first CHADD meeting. I listened to all these people speaking about their “problems” and thought what a bunch of wierdos. That’s when I realized that I was one of them. All my life I thought I was the only person in the world with these symptoms and behaviors and here I was in a room with about a 100 people just like me. I felt like ET must have felt when he finally went home! I have been on different medications for the past 10 years and I am finally starting to tolerate myself. This, for me is great progress considering I used to hate myself. I also just got married to someone that I have been seeing for the past 18 years. This never would have happened if it were not for medication, education (about ADHD) and counseling.
Nice balance, Bryan! ”Advanced” pwADHD might forget past challenges.
My friend Sam says his pre-diagnosis habits (such as falling asleep at the computer every night) seem like dim memories today, but one year ago he could not have imagined dropping these habits. Newcomers really need to hear and learn from others who’ve walked the path.
And Katy, you wrote: ”He [your dad] had NO recollection whatsoever of that conversation, and unfortunately his ADHD lack of memory was the word of law…unfortunately we didn’t know what it was, so at the risk of sounding dramatic, we indeed suffered in silence.”—–This is a little talked-about phenomenon: how a parent’s unaddressed ADHD symptoms affect a child, especially when that child also has ADHD. ADHD is 76% heritable.
If I were a treating physician, I could not in good conscience prescribe medication for a child’s ADHD without also screening the parents. It’s so important for the entire family to receive education about the impact of ADHD on daily life; so many people just don’t connect the dots.
Hi Gina, oh, for me they are not hard to forget… heck, I still have some of them, but I know what they are and can catch myself quicker and with less of a feeling of being a jerk. Knowing what the challenges are and admitting them is a BIG first step though for a lot of folks.
About families – a lot of families struggle internally. There are a lot of ADDers living with one or both parents who simply do not believe in ADHD, or a sibling doesn’t believe in it, or they somewhat believe in it, but will never consider that one of their family member’s have it. We can’t make anyone believe what they are not going to believe, or much less consider and it makes it so hard for too many to step out in the open and seek treatment.
I think the more people share their experiences the more people realize they are not alone and there is help out there and there are people who do care. But, unfortunately, in our busy and hectic society, not too many people indirectly affected really care and / or take the time to see what’s really going on with people. I think there was a time when people cared about each other a little more, now there’s so much disconnect that people have become numbers and warm bodies in the grand scheme of things…
In a way I think society in general, as a group, has become ADD as a whole. Of course, that’s not to knock my fellow ADDers!!!
Bryan
Robin wrote: I will never forget my first CHADD meeting. I listened to all these people speaking about their “problems” and thought what a bunch of wierdos. That’s when I realized that I was one of them. HAHA! I’ll share that with my local CHADD adult group, Robin.
Gina,Oh yes, when I first started reading some of the stories told by partners of ADDers, I thought…Well that’s not what I act or think (or have thought) like, in my own life.Then I took an honest look at myself….and my past/present……That’s when I started understanding, they were talking about me.Scott.
That’s just one of the many things I admire about you, Scott — your willingness to consider “could this be ME?” :-)I’m guessing, though, that by the very fact of your asking it (and maybe in small part saying yes), you are NOT one of “those people.”
Thank you Gina! I think you guessed right! Diagnosis and treatment…..There it is! The “Could this be me?”, and the benefits of hearing/reading what could happen if…….You did it again Gina(read my mind)
.-= Scott Hutson´s last blog .."IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR"….medications and therepy =-.
You’re right Gina, it’s one of the many areas of ADHD life that really hasn’t been “officially” examined well (and I should know…as a grad student I have spent many hours avoiding homework by looking up journal articles on ADHD, lol).One of the hardest things about even discussing things like this from a personal perspective is that parents can have traits, due to ADHD or other disorders that impair their parenting ability…however, at other times, they may be an extremely caring parent. No parents are perfect, but parents with untreated mental health issues can really have a hard time sometimes and the kids, indeed are the receiver…and as valid as the “kid” point of view may be in the equation, it’s very painful to “rat out” your parents, who you do genuinely care for. I know it was painful for me to write my above comment, and I have a very hard time with some of my blog posts for the same reason.How do you address the truth and complexity of family life, without feeling that you are betraying someone? My logical mind knows that this is a silly thought, and that we’re only as sick as our secrets, and that acknowledging truth is really the road to acceptance and moving forward…but I still worry that I’m betraying my family unit, or that other family members might draw the “acceptable to share” line in a different place than I might, and become upset with me.More people do need to talk about these things, and be willing to share this kind of information…maybe that could help prompt academics to give it more notice
Katy, I can so relate to what you are saying. When I wanted to publish “One Boy’s Struggle” a major confrontation ensued within my family. They thought I was betraying the ‘family’, especially my father before any of them had read the book. They knew what must be in it and assumed the worst. It is indeed very hard to write the truth and come forward, but sometimes, sometimes you have to in order to move forward. Holding it in, letting it fester and build, protecting who? Each of us must make that decision and go from there… after finally reading the book my family was more understanding, but not entirely accepting. There’s always a lot more involved, behind the scenes than simply writing and publishing.